Three Things and a Quick Update

I'm alive, I promise!  I really didn't realize I had dropped off the face of the planet the way I had until I checked my last post and realized my last post was in July!  I'm sorry if I worried anyone.  It seems I lost my voice for a little while.  I had millions of thoughts floating in my head, but I just couldn't seem to find the words to express them.  After my latest PTSD moment, Bucko and I hit a bit of a rough patch.   We seemed to move away from each other, but now we are headed back in a positive direction.  (More on that later.)  This is a post I've been trying to get out for over a week.  It's pretty light, and seems like a good place to start again.

One of the hardest things to do after a round with the PTSD monster is to get back on the horse.  I fret and worry that he will rear his ugly head again, and many things will happen.  I will feel like a failure, Bucko will be disappointed.  Because he is disappointed... blah blah blah.  I can really take it to the worst case scenario place.  It makes any kind of intimacy next to impossible.  Even the loving touches and playful spankings can be too much during one of these periods.

The advice my therapist gave us is to focus on touches I do like and when I feel scared just pause, but don't stop.  Focus on the moment and breathe through it. The biggest problem isn't the act of intimacy or touching.  It is getting out of my own head and realizing that nothing is wrong in the moment.  When I start thinking I panic.

The first thing we tried when we first started all this was massaging.  Bucko would give me a massage starting with the areas that didn't scare me and work his way to places that made me nervous like my legs and upper thighs.  For some reason touching my neck has always made me nervous.  The goal here is for me to relax and realize Bucko isn't going to hurt me.  The problem is I tend to let my mind wander.  When my mind wanders, I either avoid or I make myself nervous.

During one such back rub I started talking about school or a blog post I wanted to write and I was met with a stern glare.  Thus the three things rule was born.   Now when I'm being given a massage I am only allowed to think three things.  These are his words not mine.

1. Absolutely nothing.  I am not thinking anything and just enjoying the massage.

2.  My husband is giving me a massage and this is awesome.

3.  My husband is giving me a massage.  That's really hot and I want to jump his bones.  (Bucko openly encourages #3)

I am still struggling a little with the three things rule, but it does seem to help me focus what thoughts do run through my head back to the moment.  We have made some forward progress, so maybe it's working.  :)