An Actual DD Post

I know I haven't posted anything DD related in what feels like ages.  It's felt like ages since Bucko and I really engaged in anything seriously DD around here.  TTWD was still happening.  He was in charge and I followed his lead, but we haven't been able to connect.  His schedule has been crazy, I have been working a lot to plan some big things at school, and I've been struggling with my inner demons.  We've both been tired and connecting just hasn't made it on the schedule as of late.

I was distant.  The dark place I have been in lately is very lonely and there is only room in the black hole for one.  Yes, I know I should open up my hole to Bucko, but being there is hard and inviting someone in to something so dark is scary.  Bucko was kind and understanding.  That's his way.  He gave me my space to find the light on my own.  I am working on it.  I'm still in the hole, but it's not so dark in it anymore.  Time, space, and yesterday helped.

Actually it started Friday night.  I'm not a big fan of being touched.  My past makes dancing our dance difficult.  One wrong move can send me into total shut down mode.  I hate when it happens.  Bucko looks hurt like he's done something wrong, and I feel like a failure as a wife.  Friday we seemed to have hit that perfect storm where things work out for us when it happened.  I can't even tell you what happened.  It's a sudden thing.  Something happens, the thoughts start running around in my head, and the walls start closing in on me.  This usually leads to me in tears pulling a blanket around me and sending Bucko away.  I need space when it happens.  Space to get out of my own head and remind myself that I'm not a scared little girl anymore and I do have control over what is happening to me.  But that's only part of the truth.  The truth is I don't want Bucko to see me like that.  I don't want him to see me wiping at where his hands have touched trying to take away that skin crawling feeling.  I don't want him to see the shame I feel for not having better control over this.  I don't want him to see the failure of not being able to get past this for my husband washing over me.

(I swear I'm getting to the good stuff just hang in there you guys.)

Well it happened.  That moment of whatever happens washed over me.  The tears and frustration came.  Bucko backed away, and I got up.  I took a few minutes to gather myself.  Then something new happened.  I went back.  We tried again.  It didn't work that time either.  The second time though once I gathered myself he was able to hold me.  I didn't say much, but I stayed there.  I felt distant, but I was there.  Strangely enough even that feels a little like progress.

So fast foward to Saturday morning.  We woke up pretty early and Bucko rolled me over on to my stomach and started our day with a spanking.  It was rather unexpected when hadn't really engaged in any kind of spanking since the black hole.  I missed it.  I know I couldn't deal with it at the time, but I missed it.  I need that sort of connection with my Bucko.  I love our fun spankings.  They relax me and give me the confidence to let go of control.  It was a welcome surprise.  As we got out of bed and ready to go have breakfast, as any woman who just got spanked will do, I rubbed.  

Intro Bucko's arbitrary rule of the day.  "You keep your hands off MY ass.  I'll decide what it gets today."   Well that's new.  We went about our day pretty normally except for the times Bucko would decide to give another spanking.  I think there were a total of five or six, but I lost count.  They were light hand spankings really, but after about number three I was a little more sensitive.  If I rubbed I got bent over and a few swats here and there.  

Before we were heading out for dinner I asked Bucko what brought on this sudden spank happy man.  His answer was that he felt I'd been neglected in this regard and he wanted to make up for it.  Fair enough.  Actually this question ended up with us in bed cuddling and talking about what we both wanted from our DD relationship.  Things weren't bad before, but now I think we both have a clearer picture of what we are looking for.  There were some great snippets of conversation and I think we know where we stand.  I feel lighter today and safe.  I expressed my fear to him that I was a disappointment as a wife, and he was quick to attempt to put that fear to rest.
  
"You have never disappointed me.  You are amazing and wonderful and you are always loved.  There is never going to be a point where I'm going to stop loving you."  That was the point I cried a little.  I don't know that I believe it, but he's promised to keep saying it.  I'll leave you with one of my favorite lighter parts of our conversation.

"Well I'm not really sure where I stand with some of the rules.  Sometimes you spank me for being a smart ass and sometimes you don't." 

"I can't spank you every time you are a smart ass.  That's who you are I don't want to change that." 

"That rule seems arbitrary." 

"Oh it's completely arbitrary.  It depends entirely on my mood and how funny I find it.  If you want to be a smart ass you better make damn sure it's funny."

"I'll keep that in mind, Sir."