Nothing We Can't Handle as Long as We Have Each Other

Like the salt says, "When it rains it, it pours." That's how things have felt in Bucko and TL land.  I'm sorry if anyone has been worried or concerned.  I promise I'm not dropping off the face of the planet, I'm just struggling to keep my head above water.  I realize we are halfway through the month and I have been so consumed by the chaos that the time to blog or even collect my thoughts really just hasn't been there.  I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with my usual reading and commenting.  I miss everyone terribly.  It's been rather lonely around here, but I just haven't been able to get to blogland.

Bucko and I are not big fans of the month of May.  It is Bucko's busiest time at work, and my most hectic time of the school year.  Bucko has made the joke, more than once, that we got married in the month of May so we would have one good thing to look forward to during this time of the year.  This May has been particularly hard.  I've been discombobulated, but frankly neither of us has had the time or energy to do much about it.  

Things are typically difficult for us during the month of May.  This is our first May with DD, and things have been less difficult in regards to us fighting or getting annoyed with each other, but there hasn't been a lot of time for us to reconnect.  I feel myself starting to head to that little island of solitude, but don't really know how to steer the boat in a different direction.

The real problem this month was that I had a feeling.  A really good feeling.  Bucko and I want children.  With my history this has been more than a little bit of a struggle.  Last month was a good month for us in that regard.  I felt different.  I felt sure.  I prayed over it.  I begged for it to be so, and I tried with all that I had not to get my hopes up, but I couldn't help it.  It was true I just knew it.  So when my monthly visitor showed up this week, I was heartbroken.  Bucko held me while I cried, and was quick to say we could try again.

Right now I feel angry.  I felt let down and disappointed.  I'm struggling with waiting for this greater plan where it will happen when it's meant to happen. I can't look at facebook, because all I see are people posting about their adorable babies and my heart breaks again.  I know people who smoked while they were pregnant, who were angry when they found out they were having a child, I see parents every day in my line of work who couldn't care less about the miracles they have in their life and it makes me so mad I can't see straight.  I want to scream it's not fair.  I don't understand why they are mothers, but I am not.  I don't want to believe that it's God's way of saying there is something deeply wrong with me, but I can't seem to stop the thoughts running through my head. 

Bucko, too, is disappointed.  He feels like he is letting me down.  He was great about bringing home tacos, being there when I needed him, and giving me space when I couldn't take it anymore.

So now we wait, make another appointment with the doctor, and I struggle not to go back to the dark place.  It's a tempting place as it seems like it's the only place where I don't get hurt.  I can't help but wonder if feeling nothing is better than the pain I feel now.

But wait it gets better.  In the midst of all this our AC broke.  Anyone who lives in the South knows any time after February you can't not have AC.  Bucko came home the other night to the hot house, and he was angry.  It was just one more thing to make life difficult for us this month.  We called a guy to come out to fix it, but he wouldn't be able to make it until Monday.  That wasn't going to work.

Bucko and I were emailing back and forth to try and work out the AC problem and he sent me an email that said, "It's nothing we can't handle as long as we have each other."  Those few little words seemed to make me smile and feel lighter somehow.  My heart is still broken, and things are hard, but I still have Bucko.  That's not nothing.  Here's hoping for a better June.