Spinning out of Control

I've been working on this post for several days.  It has been started and stopped more than a few times.  If it seems a little jumbled and to use my favorite word, discombobulated I wanted you to know why.

It seems like I haven't had much to say lately.  TTWD has just become a part of life.  Bucko and I have settled for the most part into a good place.  Then something happens that throws off our grove and I go running for the solace that is my blog.  It seems odd that I just don't have as much to say when things are running smoothly.

Well everything was going along well this week.  Daily spankings have been happening and have for the most part been fine.  For some inexplicable reason Friday afternoon the anxiety I used to feel came rushing back.  I can't put my finger on it, but it seems like one minute I was fine, and the next I was in full on meh-mode.   I was going out with a friend so I put my meh on hold until I came home that night, figuring Bucko would do his thing and all would be fine.

Apparently, Bucko had his own plans of how our evening would go and I wasn't following his script either.  I was tearful and upset, he was miffed. So for a moment we reverted back to our pre-DD ways.  We sat in the same room each staring at our respective computers ignoring one another.  After a while of doing this I tried to go to bed.  

The problem with that plan was I have come to rely on lying next to my husband and I can't sleep without him.  The discontent in our house made it impossible to settle down.  So I got up and went to where he was and settled next to him.  I apologized for my meh-ness and explained yet again that I can't help it.  Sometimes the PTSD monster just comes and I can't do anything about it.  That's when he said something that really struck me.

"So because you can't help it, I'm not allowed to get upset about it?" 

Ouch! Have I been doing that this whole time?  The answer in a word is yes.  I'm so wrapped up in how I feel when the meh-wave washes over me that I rarely think about what he's feeling.  Or rather I apologize that it upsets him, but I want him to say it's okay and go back to being concerned for me.  That isn't fair.  He is as entitled to his feelings and disappointments as I am.  We did our usual daily spanking thing, but it didn't hit the reset button the way it usually does.  We decided to try what we lovingly have come to call a "Bossy Bucko Weekend." 

It isn't boot camp, but it's one of those weekends where he is more in charge than usual.  It was a rough start to our weekend, because I just wasn't feeling it.  I was bossy, demanding, and just generally unpleasant, because I was upset about how the previous evening went.  This resulted in a spanking.  It was a pretty heavy one.  I would like to state for the record that the talking hand, especially when the HOH is lecturing is not appreciated.  Well after that little bit of bear poking motivation Bucko really went to town and I finally started to feel that wave of release.  I'm not sure if it was that damn shower brush or his words that got me there, but he stopped before I was completely done.  I was so close, I could feel the tears.  I had lost most of my fight, so I told him I wasn't done.  Then he said if I wanted more I needed to ask him to keep going.

That completely threw me.  I am not the best at asking for what I want on a good day, much less one of these.  There is something about this kind of situation that makes the PTSD monster go into overdrive.  I felt my chest constrict and my throat close.  I told him I couldn't.  He said I needed to.  The worst thing for me to feel when the monster shows up is trapped.  It takes me back to that dark place and I have to run.  So I did.  I got up and walked to the bathroom shutting the door behind me telling him, "I guess we are done then." 

I sat on the side of the tub and cried.  I tried to get myself together.  I took deep breaths and convinced myself I wasn't a little kid anymore.  When I could finally breathe again I got up and walked out of the bedroom fully expecting Bucko to have gone to his computer.  He was right where I left him.

"We aren't done you know."

"Oh yes we're done."

"Come here."

*Picture head shaking TL*

"I said come here." 

I went.

"Are we really done, or are you just upset?"

"Upset."

"Why are you upset?"

"I can't say it."

"Then don't. You are getting all worked up over a phrase you don't want to say."

*long suffering sigh here* "You don't understand I can't say it.  I physically cannot do it." 

"Then don't." 

"Really? But you insisted even after I told you I couldn't."

This conversation didn't really get resolved.  I don't know how to explain it better and he doesn't seem to understand.  He asked if I wanted to go on with the spanking and I didn't so we let it lie.  I don't know that either of us feels really good about this since there wasn't a resolution really.  I want to tell him exactly what to do, but there is no exact thing that seems to work and it wouldn't help us with the place we are in. Sometimes it seems like the best thing to do is chalk it up to the monster and let it go.  We went on to do normal things and have an okay rest of the weekend.  Things seem fine this week for the most part, but he's having a rough week at work.  I'm not sure if there will be any resolution to this, but I needed to just get the icky out of my system.  Hopefully happier posts to follow.