Not Exactly What I Had in Mind

My apologies in advance for the length and rambling nature of this post.  It's been a rough few days and I'm still sorting out my feelings about it all.  I'm hoping that putting my thoughts here will give me some clarity and much needed peace of mind.  I'm happy to wait if you want to get a drink and get comfortable before continuing to read.

For a while I was considering that I may need to change the name of my blog.  As of late things for Bucko and I have been easy.  It seemed as though we found our stride in TTWD and everything was coming up roses.  We were on DD cloud nine never to return to the dark and confused place of yesterday.  Yeah well, nobody said it would be that easy.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it here before, but holidays are not my thing.  I love Christmas shopping and decorating, but holidays come with stress, family obligations, biting your tongue, and a whole host of other things which are not my strong suit to say the least.  When I get stressed I tend to fumble around unable to see the forest for the trees.  I focus on too many things at once and can't accomplish anything.  When I get like that I get frustrated and angry and I lash out at whatever unfortunate soul happens to cross my path.  I had hoped that this year with TTWD things would be different.  I was sorely disappointed.

I got stressed.  I ran around like a mad woman worrying over things that in the grand scheme of things didn't even matter.  The more I got worked up the more I wanted Bucko to step up.  The more he backed away, the more angry and out of control I became.  It seemed like Bucko and I fell into an old cycle from the beginning of our relationship.  When I felt Bucko wasn't helping me, I distanced myself.  Bucko tried to help and felt pushed away so he gave up.  I just saw the giving up and I became angry.  He became angry at me for being angry at him.  It was a mess.

Even before DD, Bucko and I rarely fought.  When we did it was epic.  (Picture door slamming, yelling, volcanoes erupting.)  Twice Bucko offered to leave and go do something without me thus giving me the space he thought I wanted.  This just served to make me more angry, because I felt like he was abandoning me when I needed him the most.  I spent a lot of time in our room alone listening to that voice in my head telling me I was a naive fool for thinking that things would be better and this would last.  That damn voice kept telling me I was too difficult to deal with and had finally pushed Bucko too far.  Yep, you guessed it.  I lost my mustard seed.

We had a fight and the entire ride to his parents' house Christmas Eve was spent in total silence his eyes on the road and mine out the window.  Tears streamed down my face.  I was hurt, angry, and wanted to tell him that he'd let me down, but I wouldn't be the first one to talk.  When he tried to reach out to me at his parents' house I pushed him away.  I claimed at the time I didn't want to talk about it there and let his parents know something was wrong, but I think part of me just wasn't ready. 

Our pre-DD pattern was to fight and then just cool off and go back to normal.  We wouldn't talk about what caused the problem.  We would just pretend it hadn't happen and let it go until the next big fight.  As we laughed and pretended to be okay for the sake of his family I could feel this happening again.  I could hear that little voice in my head singing 'I told you so.'  

As we sat on the couch that night in the soft light of our Christmas tree we slowly began to talk.  I told Bucko I felt abandoned.  He told me he felt pushed away.  I told him that I felt like he walked away and didn't lead when I needed him the most.  He told me he felt more like a parent than an HOH. (OUCH... that hurt.)  I told him these emotions and overwhelmed feelings are hard for me and I don't know what to do when they crash over me.  He told me it's difficult for him to lead when I push him away.  He doesn't want to force me.  I told him I needed him to.  He said that was hard.  I'm not sure what we will do the next time these feelings arise.  I can only hope that our new understanding of how the other feels will help.

I had this picture in my head of what our Christmas Eve spanking would look like.  I pictured us on the couch with the soft glow of the Christmas tree in the background.  I pictured a long loving spanking with gentle touching that would lead to other things.  We would feel safe, loved, and wish each other Merry Christmas tangled in each others arms. In my head it was perfect. 

What I got wasn't exactly what I had in mind.  There was the glow of the Christmas tree, at least for most of it.  It wasn't the soft gentle spanking of my dreams.  It was a long hard reset.  We moved from the living room to the bedroom where his new belt (yes I was stupid and bought the damn thing for him) and one of our paddles came into play.   I cried some, but most of my tears came before and after.  Even a few now days later as I sit and write this.  It was probably one of the longest and hardest spankings we've done since we started TTWD.  We went to spend the next day with my family and I was still sitting tenderly.  It wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but maybe it was what we needed.

Things are still not back to what I would consider our normal.  That voice is still in my head making me doubt.  I still tear up a little thinking about how this holiday didn't work out as planned.  We are talking and things are okay, but still a little off.  I'm sure things will settle down and Bucko and I will get back to a better place.  I am disappointed that the holiday didn't go as I wanted it to.  I'm still left wondering if Bucko will return to his new/old self.  I'm still left wondering if I will do the same.  This was not exactly what I had in mind.

I apologize again for my long ramblings.  I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.  I do feel a little more at peace having gotten all of this out of my system.  Thanks for listening.

Love,
TL