That Awkward Moment When

I have spoken a great deal about the differences in Bucko since we started TTWD.  I realized that as of late I haven't talked much about the changes I've seen in me or my behavior.  I think I wasn't noticing them.  I felt almost as though I had done my part by bringing up DD.  It seemed as though now most of the responsibility for differences in our marriage fell to Bucko.  I don't really think this is true, I think I simply wasn't paying attention to the differences in myself.  It's kind of like when you go on a diet and everyone is telling you how great you look and how much you've lost, but you still feel fat.  

Tonight I was hit over the head by how much things have changed.  I forgot to lock the door when I came home.  I was carrying things in and just got distracted.  I noticed about five minutes later that the door was unlocked.  This is a big rule for Bucko.  He is very serious when it comes to my safety and doesn't want me in the house alone with the door unlocked.  Three months ago, I would have looked at the unlocked door, thought hmm wonder what he'll do, and gone about my business.  Tonight the inner monologue went more like this.

I forgot to lock the door.  Crap!  Lock it quick, before Bucko gets home.  He'll have a cow if you left the door unlocked again.  

I am not scared of my husband by any means, but I am now very aware that when he says something he means it.  I am more understanding of the reasons behind his rules, and I no longer wonder what he'll do.  I know.  

A few months ago, I would get most of my jobs done.  I wouldn't worry if I didn't finish.  I would tell Bucko I didn't get around to it, and hope for the best.  TTWD was like a box of chocolates I didn't know what I was going to get.  Now TTWD is like the sun rising in the east.  It's predicable and just is.  And I like that way.  I have a new found respect for the wonderful caring man my husband is.  

While I enjoy our playful spankings, and teasing I hate to disappoint him.  Getting a punishment spanking is sad, tragic, and I don't like the feeling I get afterward.  I no longer feel satisfied that he followed through, I am disappointed that I forced his hand and he had to.

I think little Bucko and TL are growing up.