That Ain't Nothing

I haven't said much lately.  I could say I've been tired and stressed with work and a million things, which is true, but I don't think that's the reason.  I haven't said much lately, because I haven't had much to say.  Or maybe, I had tons to say, but I just couldn't find the words.

For those of you who are wondering... I am in a.. I won't say better, maybe lighter (?) place than I was.  I think I'm still in the hole, but I can see something outside the hole.  I'm not sure what that something is, but I know there is more than just the hole.  That ain't nothing.

As I sit here tonight listening to the sound of the rain on the window I find that for a change I am not drowning inside my own head.  I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I just am.  It seems like it's been a while, but at the moment I can just breathe. For now that's progress and that ain't nothing.

Right now I'm enjoying the quiet.  I don't know about you, but sometimes in my world the loudest place to be is in my own head.  The thoughts come and go with such frequency and so often it feels like there are a million voices going all at once.  I tend to get bogged down in all those thoughts, especially the not so nice ones.  The ones that tell me I'm not good enough, or are too screwed up to fix seem to scream the loudest, and the more I try to stop those thoughts the more they come.  Tonight it's just quiet.  That ain't nothing.

I'm not one to think of my own needs first.  I'm a doer.  I get things done and most often I do things for others.  You know when I really stop and think about it, I have to consider why I do the things I do.  I love doing things for others, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I wonder if I do the things I do to prove my worth to other people.  When I do something and I don't get the thanks I was hoping for I feel sad and disappointed rather than happy that I've made others happy.  I seem to rely on others to make me feel like I'm worth something.  I've spent my whole life hearing it's not all about you, and living that ideal.  Maybe once in a while it could be about me. 

This blog is probably the one place where I get to be entirely myself.  Internet anonymity and a receptive audience have given me the freedom to just be.  I can say what I need to say without worrying about how it will come out.  I don't have to over analyze every word that comes out of my mouth to make sure that I'm still going to be the good girl when it's all said and done.  Maybe I don't have to be all the time.  Maybe it's not the end of the world if I'm not perfect and don't have it all together for a few minutes.  So tonight, I left the work at school, watched some TV, and shared a few thoughts on my blog.  Tonight was, for at least a few hours, about me just getting to let it be.  That ain't nothing.