I've been super busy with work, but I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I haven't had time to feel sad, but I don't really have time for feeling anything else either. If I'm completely honest with myself I don't really feel anything right now. I've stepped back into that place where I go through the motions. I'm not really better or worse, I am just sort of here.
I see the sun breaking through the clouds all around me, but where I'm standing it's still dark. I just can't seem to bring myself to step into the light. I don't know that anyone knows how dark it is for me, because outside of this blog I struggle to find the words. There are so many people who need me that I just can't allow myself the time to go through the emotions instead of just the motions.
I know Bucko wants to help. I can see it on his face, and I want him to. The trouble is how can he give me what I need when I don't even know what that is? How can I tell him what I'm feeling and thinking when I'm confused about that myself.
It seems right now my life is split into moments. There are bad moments, and there are okay moments. Not a lot of good ones right now if I'm honest. The worst ones are the quiet ones when I'm alone. It's in those quiet moments I can feel the emptiness and the hear the wind whooshing through the cracks in my heart. The good news is they are just moments. One comes along then I take a minute and breath and it's over. Writing this blog seems to help me sort through the moments. It gives me a little clarity and the chance to pour all of this somewhere. I want to get back to the fun perky girl you all like to read, but I'm just not there yet.
Bucko and I tried a little role affirmation the other day, but there wasn't a lot of time for it. It didn't do much for me, but I'm not sure if that was because it was rushed or if I wasn't in the right head space. I don't know what head space I'm in right now. I'm not always sure I want to know.
I want to be happy and fun, but I'm not sure that's where I need to be. In this moment I'm just trying to let it be.
TL
ReplyDelete* I don't know that anyone knows how dark it is for me, because outside of this blog I struggle to find the words. *
So tell us today, tomorrow, the next day, next week...it doesn't matter how long or how often you have to tell us. We will listen. We will wait and cheer you on when you say the cracks are widening and letting more light in. Let us be your safe haven. If we can we will offer you a hand up. We want to offer you our support. Write if it makes you feel better. We will read we promise!
You will find your way back to your happy self, but don't rush it. Let it be. Get there at a natural pace for you. Slow and steady wins the race.
We might not have gone through what you went through when you were younger. And we might not understand exactly where you are right now, but we are crazy about you! So let us help in anyway we can....
Much Love and HUGE hugs my friend.
Willie
Thanks Willie. It's really great having someone to talk to. Hopefully today will be a better day.
DeleteAwww T...I've said it before...take a deep breathe, let it out, now just breathe.
ReplyDeleteAfter you go through painful times in therapy, you will enter a numb state...sort of a psyche protection. So what you are going through is actually very natural. Once your psyche is done processing what you've dealt with, you will start feeling more 'normal'...whatever that is.
The song you chose is actually perfect...just let everything be for now and remember 'one day at a time', sometimes, 'one step at a time'.
Sending lots of warm hugs and healing energy your way.
Blessings,
Cat
Thanks, Cat. Sometimes letting it be is hard, especially when you want so much to be in a different place, but I'm trying. Thanks for all the hugs and support.
DeleteLove,
TL
Praying. Love, Belle L.
ReplyDeleteThanks Belle.
DeletePraying for you TL.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
Thanks Susie.
DeleteHugs,
TL
Cat put it perfectly. Once we deal with something traumatic from the past, our body/mind almost goes into a sort of shocked state. It really wants to push it all back again, but the healing is so much better. Once you can fully process the latest wall you just broke through, the numbness will go away, and you'll experience another layer of freedom. And has already been said a few times, I agree. We are here for you. Feel free to share, when you're ready. No pressure to do so before hand, or at all if you feel you never should. Someday I'll have to share my past with you, but I promise, from my side of the fence there will be absolutely no judgement if you do decide to share, only love, waiting to help listen and help heal in any way we can. I know in my own journey, opening up was SUPER hard, but when I finally could... WOW the people that proved themselves my true friends... were AMAZING and the breakthroughs I started having, were amazing as well. {{{HUGS}}} So even if you can't share with us, I hope you can find a way to share with Bucko, or someone. :)
ReplyDeleteI think I'm getting there. It's hard, and the steps are slow. I appreciate all the help and support I've been offered here. Sometimes the best thing for me to do is just write it. It helps me get it out and just feel better.
DeletePS, I have a weird love of numbers that repeat themselves. So I felt very honored today, even though it can't be controlled, lol to see 8888 on your visiter counter. :) Was very cool! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you enjoyed it. I can't believe I've had that many.
DeleteI hope that you continue to take the steps forward in healing. Don't beat yourself up if you need to remain motionless for a time.
ReplyDeleteFeel better.
Thank you Minelle. I'm taking it one step at a time. It will happen soon I hope.
DeleteHugs and prayers TL :) Things always get easier with time.
ReplyDeleteCallie
Thanks, Callie.
DeleteHugs,
TL
Am thinking of you TL and sending lots of hugs and prayers you way. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will reach the sunlight :)
ReplyDelete(((Hugs)))
Roz
Thanks Roz. It's slowly getting a little brighter.
Deletehope things get better
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteJust wanted to let you know how inspiring your blog is. It resonates with me. Hope the gloom you're experiencing passes soon, Bea
ReplyDeletemybeahind.wordpress.com
Thank you very much, Bea. Comments like yours make the days a little brighter. It feels good to know that even if I can't do much for myself, someone is getting something out of what I have to say. Thank you for making my day.
DeleteTL