Yesterday was a pretty great day in Bucko and TL land. We did our Valentine's celebration. I made us waffles and sausage for breakfast. While I was making breakfast I was summoned to the couch for a playful spanking.
Hey! I'm trying to cook here. What are you doing?
Oh hush, woman. I've been waiting all week for this and so have you.
I must admit it was fun. When he finally let me up I, like any woman, rubbed my rear end.
What did I just see you do?
Oh no you don't Bucko, that was last week's rule. No longer in effect.
I'll say what's in effect and what's not. Get your little ass back here.
Little ass? Have you seen that thing lately.
This comment prompted some chasing which ended with me bent over the counter in the kitchen. It was shaping up to be a great day and breakfast wasn't even over yet. We enjoyed our day together. We went to the grocery store, no hands on the cart. (Thanks Willie), and to my favorite place for dinner.
It was a wonderful evening. The conversation shifted to my trip out of town for a conference this week. Bucko talked about how proud he was of me and it was headed in a great direction until...
I think I'm going to take Friday off next week.
Why are you taking a day off when I'm out of town?
Don't worry about it. I am taking the day off.
But those are your vacation time. Why are you going to waste one on a day we can't be together.
If you must know I am taking the day off so I can take care of all of the things around the house, so when you come back we can just enjoy our day at home before we have to go back to work.
Oh. I felt guilty pretty much immediately. Here he is thinking of me and making the transition back to being at home easier and I'm worried about what? That he's having fun without me? I've always struggled with my ability to keep the faith. I'd say this qualifies as an epic fail in that regard.
I'm sorry for doubting you.
You will be. Insert foreboding HOH tone here.
The rest of dinner was wonderful and uneventful. We moved on to the amazing chocolate fondue and headed home. It was a late dinner and I was tired by the time we got back, so the you will be hasn't happened yet. In true TL fashion, I'm wondering if it will. I feel like I need it to. I feel horrible about doubting him and the way I expressed that doubt, but I know my Bucko. Sometimes he forgets things, or they don't bother him anymore so he just moves on.
I want to ask him about it, but I feel like if I do that's just a further expression of my lack of faith in him. I'm full of confused and conflicted feelings. I'm at a loss about what I should do now. I'm open to suggestions.
I did end up mentioning to Bucko that I was sorry for doubting him. We were busy this morning and he did mention that last night's events had slipped his mind. I did end up getting spanked. It was one of the hardest ones I can remember Bucko giving and I only have myself to blame. Bucko started with his hand, but stopped after a while and asked if I still felt guilty. I did and said so. Boy howdy, I don't anymore. Bucko broke out our little firecracker paddle and managed to light a fire. It's the first time I can remember him spanking me to tears. I'm still sitting a little tenderly, but overall I feel much better.
It's about learning to let go and enjoy the ride.
Hi Hun
ReplyDeleteI feel for you, these situations are never easy. I can understand why you don't want to bring it up.
How about if you write him a letter and apologise, and explain how you feel. Also tell him how you feel it bring closure, if you are disciplined for your actions. Then it's up to him if he wants to just let it go and accept the apology, or if he feels like a correction is necessary.
Sorry wih I had something better for you x
Thanks Missy. I'm struggling, because I feel like if I mention it to him I'm doubting him again. This rule about trusting my HOH is hard for me, especially in times like now. Thanks for the advice. Maybe a letter is a good idea.
DeleteI'd go with trusting that he made the decision not to deal with it and then feel really good about yourself that you have let him take the lead in this situation. This is a different way to show your trust in your HOH. Trust that he made a decision to let something go because he understands you and he loves you. In my opinion, by the way, this was not a trust issue. You were confused by an unexpected action and asking for clarification. That is a good and healthy aspect of any relationship. So trust yourself too.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment. I'm trying to do just that, but the conversation from last night keeps playing in my head. I don't think at first it was a trust issue, but my repeated asking made it seem that way to him. I guess we'll see how it goes when he wakes up. Thanks for chiming in.
DeleteWhat if you wrote a letter or short note to him where your focus was more on how you love an appreciate him or some other positive manner and just mentioned as a minor part of it that you were sorry for not trusting him and are working on it? That way he is reminded but you aren't pushing on it since you only spend a small part mentioning it. That's what I would do in if it were me anyhow. I hope you figure it out, I know it can be hard not to doubt sometimes, I do the same thing. :)
ReplyDeleteThat's a good suggestion. This is a hard situation. Trust isn't my strongest point, and it is hurtful to my husband that I don't always give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm hoping that after today it will be better.
DeleteThanks,
TL
I am very reluctant to criticize another couple's handling of a situation, but I feel that your post suggests an unduly narrow reading of trust which deprives the wife of her proper role of giving important feedback to husband. I also want to preface my comment by saying that I am going by what you write, and am aware that your comments may have seemed harsher and nastier in reality than they appear here.
ReplyDeleteIn your scenario, your husband announces that he is going to take a day off while you are out of town. You ask him why? Asked in a polite way, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this question. Your husband's reported response implies you don't have any right to input or explanation of his decision. Your response merely states what should be obvious, the choice of vacation days taken is typically taken with consideration of spouse's schedule. His angry response gives a reason which he could have easily made right at the beginning. He could have started the conversation "I am thinking about taking off next Friday so I can sort things out around the house while you are gone, what do you think." You might still express your opinion that you would prefer he take vacation time while you were home, rather than on the road. He could then make a final decision.
Again, I do not know the tone of voice you used in making your statements, and so I cannot say you did not do anything wrong. I just want to make the more general point that a wife in a DD marriage should trust her husband's informed decisions to be correct, but husbands should seek wife's input as part of his decision making process, especially on questions directly related to home life and the couple's relationship.
I think his response may appear harsher than it was in reality. I don't want anyone to think my husband is unreasonable, or overly controlling. He isn't. He does always discuss vacation days with me, which is why I was surprised by him taking one when I am going to be away. His intention was to surprise me with everything being done so that we could spend the rest of the weekend together. I don't think his response was as much angry as it was disappointed that I didn't allow him to surprise me, and trust that he had a good reason for taking the day off. I do have input into all the decisions in our home. I, however, often worry and fret over things that he handles. Trusting him to step up and lead, and not check behind him has been an issue since the beginning. It's something we are working on. Thank you for reading and commenting.
DeleteHey T...sorry I'm late to the party but happy to see that you and Bucko were able to resolve the issue. The only thing I would have added was that I bet he wanted it to be a surprise and your continued questioning took that away.
ReplyDeleteSweetie, you know that Bucko loves you and has you best interests at heart so in the future, if a similar situation arises, PLEASE...stop, zip lips and say 'yes dear'.
Hugs and Blessings,
Cat
That was pretty much it. He wanted to surprise me with having the rest of the weekend with nothing to worry about. I'm working on that whole zipping the lips thing. It seems to be a slow and sometimes literally painful process.
DeleteHugs,
TL
Hey TL,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry things didn't work so well and that you were spanked. Its the little miscommunications and changes that throw us all off. If he normally would discuss something with you, its hard to think why he wouldn't discuss it with you in this instance. THe prerogative of the HoH is suppose :)
Chin up.
Callie
Thanks, Callie. It's better now. I could have lived without the spanking, but I'm glad it cleared the air. Thank your H for me for his comments. They helped with the indecision.
DeleteHugs to you both,
TL
Awe TL, I understand this. I think I would have reacted the same way and questioned him and then felt guilty discovering that he wanted to surprise you so that you could have a weekend together.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you did talk to him further about it and that you resolved the situation. I hope your trip goes well and that you have a lovely weekend together when you return.
Hugs,
Roz
Thanks Roz. Things are good now. I felt bad ruining the surprise, but I'm excited at the idea of coming home to a clean house with nothing to worry about. I'm going to miss him though. It's hard to sleep without him. I don't know how you do it.
DeleteSorry I'm late in responding.
ReplyDeleteFor me, changing my response patterns has been one of my biggest hurdles. I don't handle surprises well and I function best with structure and predictability. So, I can empathize with your response and latter guilt.
It was a sweet gesture on his part wanting to have things nice when you returned home so that you could enjoy the week-end.
Glad you were able to work through things.
Hugs,Catrinka
It was really sweet. I'm excited to come home to him and a clean house.
DeleteHugs,
TL
We live and learn.
ReplyDeleteComplete trust takes time.
It's like those drama courses where you have to let
yourself fall and hope someone catches you.
It takes time!
You seem to be well on your way! :0)
Hugs
Jack's Jill
Baby steps, I suppose. Thanks Jill.
DeleteHugs,
TL
Not taking care of things or "forgetting" because of fatigue is something we struggle with here too. I don't think of it as inconsistency b/c it's not intentional but we've had to talk about it a few times, even very recently. I've learned to do what you did...talk to him either that night or the next morning and well...they tend to rectify the situation. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I talked to him. I felt much better after I did. Thanks Susie.
Delete