Discombobulated

I'm a teacher.  I love words.  I love finding that perfect word to describe exactly what you are saying.  Lately I have been struggling with my feelings.  I've been going through a rough patch that has me out of sorts.  I never seem to know which way is up.  One minute I'm fine and the next sadness and stress crash over me like a wave throwing me face first into the sandy water below.  

Bucko is an amazing support, and wants me to tell him what I'm feeling, so much so in fact it's a rule.  Technically the rule is I can't blow off my feelings and tell him I'm fine when clearly I'm not.  The problem with this rule is it's challenging down right impossible to tell him what I'm feeling when I haven't the faintest idea myself.

This weekend was marvelous.  I got some school work accomplished for my graduate class, went to see the new Breaking Dawn movie with a friend. (I need to know who has seen it so I can talk about this!) and Bucko and I spent some much needed time together.  (Our schedules have been crazy lately and we just haven't had the time with each other that we need.)  Saturday evening rolled around and while Bucko was playing a game and I was writing a post one of those waves crashed over me.  It was overwhelming.  

Usually my defense mechanism to this kind of mood is to shut down.  Go off into my little hidey hole until I can stuff my feelings and come back with a smile.  Okay, no it doesn't really work, but it's all I've got.  At least it used to be.  Darn TTWD for throwing a wrench in a not so perfect plan.  Or maybe TTWD is not a perfect plan, but a better one.

I love to cuddle with my husband on the couch, or in bed, but climbing in his lap isn't something I typically do.  However, that's what I did Saturday night.  Being the ever perceptive fellow Bucko immediately sensed something was up. 

What's wrong babe?

I don't know... I just feel... I can't really put my finger on it... discombobulated. (I love that word.  It even sounds confused and out of sorts.)

You know I love you right.

Yeah I just miss you.

Babe, I'm right here.

I know... it's just lately ... I don't know I miss you.

I think I know just the thing to recombobulate you.  Come on. (I think he's making up words, but we'll go with it)

Bucko took my hand and led me to our bedroom.  He proceeded to settle me over his knee and hit the reset button. (pun intended)  In his calm and steady way Bucko started to recombobulate me.  I was starting to feel better when suddenly it ended.  Wait.. hang on a second... I wasn't done.  I'm not a crier.  At least not when I'm getting spanked.  A good lecture or a sappy movie... bring on the kleenex, but with a spanking it is hard to get me there.  The spanking seems to provide the safety and the security I need to let go, and I usually start crying as Bucko holds me.  This time I just wasn't quite there.

Come here baby. We're done.

Now thanks to Mick's articles I've been trying to be more understanding of my HOH's point of view and less questioning of his decisions.  (Mick if you are reading this Bucko is very appreciative.)

And wouldn't you know it ... just when I doubt (dammit mustard seed get back in my pocket!) Bucko comes through like a champ.  He could tell I was still feeling off and asked me about it.

Not enough huh?

It's okay you said you were done.

That isn't what I asked you.

I know I'm just trying to be less questioning.

You don't have to question to tell me what you need.  You can tell me what you want and I can still make the decision.  (Dang when did he get all wise and HOH-y on me?)

He gave me a hug, a kiss on the forehead and smiled at me.  He got up.  

Apparently I'm done with this.  (Picture Bucko wiggling his right hand.)

He went into the closet got out a paddle and we started again.  The second time he stopped I was so close to tears I could feel them stinging my eyes.  When he picked me up, and kissed me I melted.

You know I love you and I'm here for you whatever you need right?

Yes I know... I love you too Bucko ... Then I cried.

One of these days I'm going to stop underestimating that man of mine.  He knows just what to do when I'm discombobulated.  On a side note I'm thinking recombobulation may be my new favorite term for maintenance.