Have a Little Faith in Me

Faith is hard for me sometimes.  That mustard seed is constantly falling out of my pocket and I find myself doubting the people around me, and most of all myself.  I grew up in a home where the solution to a problem was to run away from it.  Many of the people in my life growing up hurt me or left me.  I often felt alone and wondering what I could have done differently to earn their love and approval.  Even when I had love and approval I spent time worrying when the other shoe would drop and I'd be alone again.  It's a habit that has carried over into my adult life and manifests itself in the worst ways possible.  I always feel like I'm trying to win someone over, or I read so much into actions that I work myself up until I'm sick with worry and doubt. 

"Why didn't she smile at me?  Is she mad at me?  Did I do something wrong?"  These are my inner thoughts even with my best friends.  Besides the anxiety and worry this causes me; I find myself working to the point of exhaustion, because I'm afraid someone won't like me if I use the dreaded 'n' word. (No.)  So I put on my big smile and pretend.  No worries.  I got this.

Now Bucko is one of the most steadfast and loyal men in the world and I'm more grateful than I could ever say to have him.  This is a man who has known me for well over half my life.  If there is a flaw, and Lord knows there are many, he has seen them.  He tells me all the time how great I am and how lucky he thinks he is to have married me, yet I still doubt.  Even though I know he's working if he doesn't answer the phone I panic.  I wonder when he'll realize what everyone else in my life has and leave too.  It's stressful. 

When I first started exploring DD, I was terrified of showing it to him.  I would hide what I was looking at on the computer so he wouldn't see and think I was weird. What if this was the straw that broke the camel's back and he left.  I was afraid that this thing would push him away and I would be shattered beyond repair.   It wasn't like that at all.

In fact when I told him my fears he was quite upset.  Upset at my lack of faith in him.  It tore him apart to think I doubted his love for me.  So much so that it became a rule.  Not that I'm not allowed to have doubts, because let's face it that's an unrealistic expectation at best, but that I need to trust him.  Trust him with my thoughts and fears.  Trust that there is nothing that is so awful our love can't overcome it.

So there it was, our first rule, and my first spanking.  It wasn't a punishment, but more an exercise letting go and keeping the faith.  He could do this, and would do it for me.  I didn't have to worry so much all the time.  I could let go and he would be there to catch me.  After that first spanking, which wasn't perfect by any means, but it was a start, he held me.  I cried.  (I hate crying, especially in front of people.) But in those moments, I felt safer than I could ever remember feeling.  It was going to be okay.

Keeping the faith has been hard.  It's still a work in progress, but I find it happening more often than it did before.  My inner voice that is filled with doubt doesn't control me anymore.  I'm learning to pick up my little mustard seed, dust it off, put it in my pocket, and try to keep the faith.