Thanks to everyone for all of the support over the last couple days. I have been struggling with my new found dependence on my husband to be the HOH and lead our family. It's not that I didn't want this... I asked for this. I have been struggling with the fear that needing Bucko so much makes me weak. If I need him so much, does that mean I can't do things for myself anymore? Or worse yet what if I need him this much and he decides this isn't what he wants? I know living in the what ifs is silly and most of my worst fears are unfounded, but that doesn't make them less valid. Does it?
I worry a lot about the what ifs. I am a panic button pushing, worst case scenario, the sky is falling kind of girl. If it weren't for Bucko I am afraid I might be some kind of doomsday prepper sitting on my front porch with bottles of water and a shot gun waiting for the zombies.
Sometimes the what ifs are overwhelming. I can turn running a few minutes late to work into getting fired and living in a cardboard box. I have kept myself awake at night getting sick and worrying often times about things that never come to pass. Worrying for me is sort of an out of body experience. My head knows that I'm being totally ridiculous, but my thoughts still seem to wander to the dark and crazy place.
Like most people, I worry most about the people and things I care about most. I love my job and I don't ever want to do anything that would make me lose it. I love my friends and I often panic that one of them is mad at me when they don't answer a call. Most of my worries surround my husband.
I worry that I am too much for him. I worry that no man, not even my patience-of-a-saint Bucko, can deal with the kind of crazy I sometimes bring to the table. I worry that one day he will wake up and realize he could do better. I worry that he will decide he wants a wife who doesn't need him to make decisions and lead all the time. All of these worries stem from fear and LT (Little Terror, thanks Cat!) goes bat shit crazy when the slightest thing is off and triggers that fear factor.
Bucko, however, has the patience of a saint. He seems to take all this in stride. He understands my fear and is very reassuring. Things between us are pretty good right now. There have been a few spankings and lots of reassuring that we are not getting rid of TTWD or taking a step backward. Schedules are still making it difficult for us to get the time together I need to feel completely secure, but I'm as sure as I can ever be that Bucko is on board and not going anywhere.
This song is one of my favorites. I mentioned to Bucko once that I liked this song in the car. He responded with, "Of course you do. It's a song about you." It does seem to fit and I thought I would share.
Hi TL,
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit like you in that I worry a lot.... or I did...... H made it one of our rules that I'm not allowed to stress over little things I can't control. As hard as it is, I am working on looking at things in a more positive light. I still get highly stressed but he's helping me to mellow out a little.
Callie
Hey Callie,
DeleteI don't know what I would do if I couldn't worry. I'd probably go crazy from being bored. I'm not sure how well a rule like that would work for us, but Bucko often tells me not to worry about things.
LOL..... I get bored really really easily..... I think that actually causes the worry thoughts to enter into my mind.
DeleteIt's difficult having a rule about it, the consequence is not spanking which is good...... he gives me things/chores to do that are annoying and take my mind off whatever it was that I was worrying about.
Callie
I am so not letting Bucko read this comment. He doesn't need the suggestions.
DeleteDang TL - is there anything you don't worry about?
ReplyDeleteWhen I was much younger, I used to worry about EVERYTHING. One day my aunt sat me down and said "Cat, I want you to think hard about something. What's the use of worrying about something before it happens, if it even does, it's not going to change the outcome. What's the use of worrying after something happens, it's not going to help you deal with it. Think of all the energy you are wasting in all this worrying." Anytime I try to fall back into that old habit, I run those words through my head. Of course, my dad had to add his 2 cents worth "Cat, she's saying 'don't go borrowin' trouble, girl!"
Trust your Bucko and yourself - you chose him and chose to bring DD to him. He chose you and chose to agree to DD. ;)
Hugs and Blessings,
Cat
I might have had something, but now I'm worried that I missed something to worry about. :P I have heard the don't go borrowing trouble saying before, but some how I always seem to take out the loan. I'm working on it.
DeleteHugs,
TL
I want to worry less too TL. I learned it at my mother's knee and it's getting a bit better, mostly due to the endless patience of my husband and his deep desire to curb me of it. I'm actually trying to write about it but it's hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that you have Bucko and even if you don't have all the time together that you'd like, he's your rock. Don't forget that.
It is a tough thing to write about. This was one of those rough posts. Bucko is my rock, and he always seems to know the right thing to say. I'm starting to think we need a club for all of us worrying women.
DeleteTL you are doing good Girl! You are really getting it together. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Isn't there a song with the words "Be happy, don't worry, cos every little thing's gonna be alright..."
ReplyDeleteHugs, Ami
That's what they tell me, but some how I always end up singing the doom song. I need to buy a new CD. Thanks Ami!
DeleteHugs,
TL
TL, I can also relate to this. I too worry about everything, including things that may not even, or probably won't even happen. My husband is constantly telling me to stop worrying, any worrying is his job. This is something we keep working at.
ReplyDeleteI also understand your feelings as to whether wanting Bucko to take the lead makes you weak and whether it is too much for him. I struggled with the same thoughts and we had many long discussions about it. My husband told me he loves his role of leading us my submission and would never look back.
Submitting to our husbands and letting them lead us does not make us any less stronger than we were before starting this lifestyle . In fact, to submit in this way takes courage and strength in itself.
Hugs
Roz
Roz,
DeleteYou are absolutely right and it's so good to know I'm not alone. I'm not sure why these feelings suddenly surfaced, but I wish they would go away. I'm happier in my marriage than I can ever remember being, but I still worry. Hopefully my raging worry wart will shut her mouth soon. Thanks for the support. It means the world to me to have people who understand and can commiserate with me.
Hugs,
TL
TL, I know how debilitating worry can be, I always have to fight against worry too! Especially with how vulnerable this lifestyle makes us! But one day at a time, right? Hugs!
ReplyDeleteThanks Kay. It does seem to make me more vulnerable than I am often comfortable with, but I wonder if that discomfort fades after a while. Here's hoping. Hugs!
Delete