This week has been crazy. I'm still recovering from my bout with pneumonia. I went back to work this week, which included having my graduate class, and working one thirteen hour day. Bucko's schedule has been crazy as well. He hasn't come home from work before 8:30 more than once this week, and he even has to work today.
Bucko hasn't been home to lead, and I've been too tired to follow. We are having trouble getting together and getting on the same page. I'm not sure which bothers me more, that we aren't on the same page, or the fact that I'm bothered, because we aren't. This week just has me feeling off and icky. I must confess I haven't mentioned these feelings to Bucko, other than my disappointment over his work schedule.
A part of me is disappointed and discombobulated because of the lack of structure in our home this week. A larger part of me is disappointed and discombobulated, because I am left wondering when did I become a woman that couldn't function without it? I know I am smart and capable so why is this such a big deal? What happened to the in control woman who could get the job done I used to be?
I am not sure if I am welcoming or mourning the loss of this woman. I've spent all morning feeling distant and angry. When Bucko left for work I made some sort of half-hearted attempt at saying I would get a few things done while he was away. My comment was greeted by my husband trying to slip on his HOH hat and say I would be getting those things done. I made some sullen remark that I can't remember at the moment. Then something suddenly changed. Bucko reached out without a moments hesitation and swatted me. My response to the swat was NOT submissive. It ticked me off, and I proceeded to tell Bucko so.
Well that went well. For the first time in our marriage Bucko took my hand and my waist and marched me off to our bedroom. Before I knew what was happening I was over his knee and off he went. It wasn't a long spanking, but it did hurt. I was told in no uncertain terms that I now had two jobs. Get done what he asked me to do, and lose the attitude by the time he got home.
He told me he loved me, and that I needed to relax. We would work on getting everything straight when he got home. I'm not sure how I feel at this moment. I don't feel angry, but I don't feel particularly submissive either. Right now I'm just wondering what in the world happened to me?
It's about learning to let go and enjoy the ride.
There are a few things about DD that scare me a bit - which is why my loving husband still does not know about it - lol! The idea that I may not be able to have those days where I just have an attitude cuz I have an attitude. I don't think I know how to get that under control and I'm not sure I want to. As women, doesn't this just happen sometimes? I'm not saying it's on a daily or even weekly basis, but when that attitude thing comes along I swear there's nothing I can do about it. So my heart goes out to you cuz I totally "get" not knowing how you feel right now - it's just hard to label our emotions sometimes which means they are also hard to handle. On the positive side, your husband sure sounds like he has this HOH thing down. In any case, here's to finding your way...
ReplyDeleteI think the thing you have to look at is whether what you stand to lose or or scared of outweighs what you stand to gain. I'm not going to lie and tell you this is easy or that there aren't things about this life that are scary, but for us, at least, the change has totally been worth it. Today is an off day and it sucks, but tonight and tomorrow will be better. It's not much, but it's my two cents. Best of luck to you and your husband finding your way as well.
DeleteHonestly, I think you have actually given all control to Bucko. You aren't mourning anything really, just looking at things from the other side of the fence. When things didn't go right before you looked to yourself, now you are looking to Bucko to take the lead and change them.
ReplyDeleteBe happy that you felt this way and that he took the lead and told you how it is going to be. That really is an awesomr place to be in :D
Callie
This depending on other people thing and trusting is hard. We'll get it figured out. Thanks for the support. I'm glad you had such a great trip. I can't wait to read all about it.
DeleteWe are part of a google plus group together. I read your post, and darlin' I feel you. As a submissive woman that performed this tight-rope act I understand the turmoil you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteEven when we don't realize it, we are seeking attention with our behaviors. I tend to pout. I also tend to sulk...none of which are becoming traits in a submissive woman, but I do it because I need him to notice. I need him to show me attention, and it's the way I know I can get a sure fire reaction.
Perhaps that is why you said or did what you did this morning? You knew it would get a reaction out of him? Just my opinion, and my thoughts... but also your behavior I think woke something up in him, don't you? It said...your house is falling apart because you aren't here to lead it, right?
And he took control back, and promised to work on the things that are bothering you when he gets home. Maybe if you made a list of those things, it would be easier to explain to him. Even if our feelings aren't rational they are still valid. They are our feelings. :)
I hope I was at least a little helpful. Have a super naughty day.
Penelope Jones aka The very Bad Penny :)
I think you hit the nail on the head, Penny. I did eventually tell him what I was feeling and thinking when he asked about my blog post. He said he knew that I was off and we'd be working to fix it. Things are looking a little brighter today. You were very helpful. Thanks for the support.
DeleteHi honey - I'll talk more in our 'little group'! It seems to me that Bucko is definitely becoming more 'HOH' and surely that's a good thing. The trouble is that you are still fighting the 'feeling' of being more submissive (how I hate that word!) and with not feeling too great yet, it makes you a little 'snarky'.
ReplyDeleteI remember all those days very well when Starman worked early mornings and late nights, and me trying to hold down a teaching job, looking after the house and animals, and the kids being younger and having to organise them to and from school and homework etc. Nightmare!
I kind of envy you your spanking because at least Bucko is standing up to the plate. But maybe the list of things is too long at the moment. Just one or two perhaps would be good? Especially if you're not feeling too chipper?
I have never yet had a punishment spanking, so I can't comment, and as spankings are going (or not going) in this household at the moment I don't know how I would really feel about an 'instant fix' spanking. I am trying to work on my 'obey' part of the four Ds. I am not expected to be a slave, or a servant, but I do get prickly if I am told what to do. And I know that is left over from my continual defiance and a 'need to lead'.
Talk things over with Bucko. I hope he will listen and not rush immediately into spanking mode, because I think you need more communication. It has certainly worked for us, and I now feel much calmer about things.
Hugs, Ami
Hey Ami,
DeleteThanks for the great advice. We teachers are used to running the show, and it's sort of strange to be dependent on someone else. As much as I want to be able to trust and be dependent on Bucko it is hard to find my way in doing so. It seems like giving up control means I can't handle it and I don't think that's true or want to admit that it is.
We are moving forward today and things are looking up. This forward motion is involving a lot of talking and a little spanking. I am trying to find that obedient part of myself. I know she's in there somewhere, but the other part of me told her to stay away and I think she listened. I do feel calmer and less worked up today, so that's progress.
Hugs,
TL
Good luck on finding the place where you want to go. I hope you can find happiness in this lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteFD
Hey FD,
DeleteWelcome and thanks for the support.
TL
No advice, being new myself, and finding my way, just wishing you the best and saying thanks for this post. It's nice to know others feel like this too.
ReplyDeleteWelcome. I'm glad you enjoyed the post. Good luck to you in your journey.
DeleteOn many occasions I hear from someone I'm helping with their DD dynamic, or read that a TiH is frustrated because the HoH won't "follow through". It seems from this post that Bucko will follow through even if you're having an off moment or day. Sometimes there are positives hidden in a bad day. :)
ReplyDeleteBucko has been really good about that, Mr. BB. He has stepped up in a really big way. That's been one good thing in the face of this rough patch. Thanks for pointing out the positive.
DeleteHi TL. I'm sorry I am behind in commenting here. You are certainly not alone in your thoughts, I think we have all been there. A great comment from Ami. I think the fact that you have gone back to work, which is an adjustment itself after the holiday, plus doing it while you are still recovering has added to the emotional turmoil. Take your time, go slowly and concentrate on your recovery.
ReplyDeleteI have also added some more thoughts in our chat group.
(((Hugs)))
Roz
Thanks Roz. All the encouragement here and on our group has made me feel so much better. Things are moving right along now, and the house is in order. Now it's time to focus on Bucko and me. I appreciate all the help and wonderful advice from everyone.
DeleteHugs,
TL
Dear TL
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think we live life in the fast lane and our poor hubbys are taking it slow 'n easy in the fast lane - and we're just not in the same place at the same time. Being relatively new to DD (less than a year) I think we ought to cut our HoHs some slack and let them move into their new roles in their own time and at their own pace. Settling into something so new as a head of the household, being more observant of our needs and us trying to be submissive and putting all our faith in them is a lot to process...........for anyone!!
I think we need to work on one thing at a time. The roles of total submissive-ness and the all encompassing dominant husband takes time. Don't rush things Hon. You'll get there, one step at a time.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Jack's Jill
WOW TL! I'm sorry I'm so late reading.. We are having some bumps in the road here too.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to everything you've written!
It's the whole feeling of why do we need this and when did we become dependent on needing it to get by.
Those are hard feelings and questions because they make you sort of doubt everything.
I think it's really just an adjustment period, you have a lot of change going on and it's after the holidays "let down" period of time as well.
I was going through this and still am for several weeks now!
"H" has tried doing the SAME thing Bucko did. I've been OTK many times because of attitude about everything in general. I'm glad he's stepping in, but it still pisses me off, so I get how it made you feel.
The only thing that has helped so far is that we had a big talk and are now making way to putting things where we want them to be. I was about to blog about it all this morning, but I wanted to pop in and and read blogs first.
Hope you guys have had a chance to clear the air - keep us updated:)