I tried to take a baby step this morning. It didn't work out the way I planned. Seeing that crushed look on my husband's face broke my heart. He wanted to lie in bed and snuggle after it happened, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I feel.. I don't know what I feel. I just know I couldn't lie there with him, because all I could think about was failure. I had to get away. I'm distancing. I know that. I don't want to, but the hurt I feel is getting stronger, and this is the only way I know to make myself feel normal again.
Actually I'm not even sure that feeling normal is what I want. In my ideal world I would wrap the blankets around me and curl up in my "burrito of shame" and wait for this to pass. So far it's not passing. I'm a crier. I don't want to be but I am. I destest crying. I hate being what I call "that girl." Being weepy makes me feel weak and like I don't have it together. I know that I don't have it together. I want it together, but right now I'd settle for stopping the constant flow of tears that has consumed me lately.
I want to turn to Bucko, really I do, but having him comfort me through this seems to make the pain worse. I hate that he has to. I hate that I'm not the wife he deserves. I hate that he has to suffer, because of something I can't control and fix. Every time I look at him the thought in my head is, "Why do you stay here? Why do you put yourself through this?" I know the answer is that he loves me, but when does love stop being enough. Right now I don't feel worth the hassle. I want to be better. I want to be fixed for him. I want him to have the happy and wonderful wife he deserves. Any woman would be lucky to be married to a man like Bucko, and I am. I can't for the life of me figure out why.
Bucko and I went to elementary, middle, and high school together. We were best friends. We dated off and on, but I kept Bucko in the friend zone for a long time. Everyone has always loved him. He's smart, funny, confident, and so sweet and caring. I don't think he knows the effect he has on women. One teacher once said, "Bucko isn't the kind of guy you date. He's the kind of guy you marry." We always used to joke that he was going to end up with this amazing goddess type woman for a wife, and he would be a wonderful husband. He is a wonderful husband, but I am not that goddess.
I want to be that goddess. He deserves that goddess. My therapist keeps saying she can't fix me, because I'm not broken. If I'm not broken then why do I feel like this?
I feel broken. I feel ... I don't know. I know I've said it a few times in this post, but I hate this. I hate the inability to put words to my feelings. Words at least give me something to work with. This just feels like dark shadows looming over me.
I want to feel less like this and more like this...
I want more. I want more for me. I want more for Bucko. This just isn't good enough anymore. I just wish I knew how to get there.
I know this isn't the sunny post I promised, but it is honest and where I am at this moment. I have to say I wouldn't be this far without all of you. I have come to expect the love and understanding from Bucko even if I don't feel deserving. It never ceases to amaze me the love and support I get from this blog. Just writing it helps, but to have so many people listen and even care enough to comment blows my mind. You all are wonderful, amazing people and I don't know what I would do without you. Thank you. Really. From the bottom of my heart Thank you. This community has given me a sense of belonging I don't feel even with my "real" friends. The freedom to completely be oneself is not lost on me. Please know that all of you are in my thoughts, and your warm words have such a powerful impact. So once again... thank you.
Love and Hugs,
TL
TL I was not going to put this on your blog because well I'm no expert, but I will tell you what *I think*.
ReplyDeleteI was never a huge crier, until ttwd. Well actually I was a huge crier when I was younger- so I would go into the bathroom and look in the mirror and practice ways to STOP my crying, as well as ways to make it look that my eyes were merely watering.
Since starting ttwd, I haven't been able to employ those tried and true techniques anymore. I don't 'sob' so much like I used to at the start, but the leaking thing is always threatening. I would 'imagine' this is a healthy start to a new / old me. The way it is meant to be. I gave up about a month ago trying to stop Weepy Willie and the bouts of tears don't last as long anymore.
Keep in mind I don't even pretend to believe you and are are similar in our obstacles. Perhaps though, giving in to your emotions instead of fighting them is a way to get 'over ' them.
Crying is not a sign of weakness. To me it is now a sign that my body needs to expel some pain. Our bodies know what we need sometimes. The fact that you are being so hard on yourself- in ways I don't have to tell aren't healthy,makes me believe you really desire to expel these tears and emotions. Go with it. The only thing you should put a stop to are those thoughts. I am not saying start thinking of unicorns and rainbows. Just stop thinking and feel.
If you can't turn to Bucko right now I understand. Perhaps at least let him read your post. He deserves to know how you are feeling, and what you are thinking - don't you think?
I am hoping this cloud of depression leaves you soon. I'm worried about you my friend..
If you'll allow..BIG virtual Hug and positive vibes
Love Willie
I don't mind at all. I could use all the hugs (virtual or otherwise) I can get right now. I'm hanging in there. Sometimes just writing down the icky feelings makes it better. It at least gets them out of me. Like Miss Scarlett said tomorrow is another day.
DeleteLots of hugs,
TL
Your openness and honesty really touched me this morning. Thank you for sharing yourself.
ReplyDeleteWelcome Kelly! Thank you for saying that. I appreciate the kind words this morning.
DeleteI'm with Willie all the way. Just feel free to email me if you want to. The more of us you can actually bring yourself to speak to the better. We are all concerned.
ReplyDeleteI think that the more you can talk the better. It's very hard to let down those walls you have built. Let us help you.
I am hoping these clouds will clear and let some sunshine in pretty soon.
Many hugs to you,
Love Ami
Thanks Ami. I appreciate all the concern. Sometimes it's just nice to know someone is listening. I'm so moved by the number of people sending kind thoughts my way. You all are amazing friends.
DeleteLots of hugs and love,
TL
TL, learning to accept and even value who you are may be one of the hugest but most essential challenges in your life. Apparently your husband feels you are worthy of his love. Is he a loser who loves a failure of a wife? I didn't think so. Can you send him this post and let him help you?
ReplyDeleteWishing you some self-love,
Sara
Welcome Sara and thank you for your kindness. It is very much appreciated. I have offered to let Bucko read this blog and my last one. It's hard, but I suppose he needs to know. Thank you again for the support.
DeleteHugs,
TL
TL dear...First, sending you lots of huge warm hugs.
ReplyDeleteTake a deep breath, let it out, now listen...When I met and started dating Matthew, I had very little self-esteem and could not understand why this wonderful, amazing man kept asking me out. As I fell in love with him, I kept waiting for him to see the 'real' me and turn away. The first time he told me he loved me, I burst into tears...I couldn't believe it. When he asked me to marry him, I couldn't accept...I just knew he deserved so much better. He actually got quite angry with me and said "Do you think so little of me that you don't respect my choices?" He said quite a bit more about trusting him as my HoH...boy-howdy did he. Bottom line, I ended up engaged with a very red and sore bottom. ;)
I am sure that Bucko feels the same way Matthew did...you are hurting him by doubting his choice. Please share this post and the last with Bucko and let him help you through this. You are definitely worth it!
Sending lots of healing energy your way.
Hugs, Love and Blessings,
Cat
Hey Cat,
DeleteI completely understand how you felt about Matthew. I obviously still feel that way about Bucko sometimes. I wish that I could see myself the way Bucko does, but that is something that doesn't happen often. I have offered to share this post with Bucko and I'm sure he will read it. Thank you for the kind words. You are a great friend. I appreciate it more than I can say.
Love and Hugs,
TL
Sweetie,
ReplyDeleteThis pain you are feeling? That's called progress. It lets you know you are alive. It lets you know you want something more. It lets you know that you are no longer willing to settle for what was before... That state of numbness where you "play the Part", imitate the feelings but never quite get there because you have wrapped yourself in a cocoon of cotton to muffle the pain. Well, you have come far enough that your mind and soul believe you capable of handling these emotions and moving on. Sista!!!! THAT is progress. The fact that you realize you want more? That there is more? Honey.. somebody wave a hanky and say AMEN!!!
Is it easy? Umm NO. Is it pleasant? Most days, peeling your fingernails off might be more pleasant. Is it progress? Oh yeah baby... I am proud of you. I understand building the wall or hiding behind it when the feelings are so intense. I have been there, done that, and still do when they are so overwhelming. I would offer to you what I do, try it, see if it helps, if not, trash it. Give yourself a few minutes.. then go back, and Say, Bucko, I can't handle laying there, maybe we could sit? Maybe you could hold me with my back to you? Whatever gives you two some closeness but allows you not to feel overwhelmed. You may need to try several different ones till you come on one that works.
Dana
I think today I would definitely peel a few fingernails off in trade for this kind of progress. The feelings are very overwhelming right now. The slightest thing makes me weepy and it's more to deal with than I'm used to. As much as I know this is better, sometimes I feel like I felt better when my feelings were well hidden behind the wall. Your advice is good and I will try it with Bucko. Thank you for being my friend. You have helped me so much through this rough patch.
DeleteHugs,
TL
Hugs to you. I'm sorry you are feeling this way and I am sending prayers your way that you will be feeling more like the Princess very soon. You deserve to. You are a wonderful wife to your Bucko. You will find your way with help and with the support of those around you. Be patient and kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much. I appreciate the kind thoughts.
DeleteSending you hugs I would bet if Bucko reads your post you will find out how much he truly thinks you are his godess and worth every second he spends with you. I too have cried more then ever since starting ttwd I wish I could explain it but I can't. Hang in there we are all there for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Cathie. I have gotten so much support over the last two days. It has been amazing really. I'm overwhelmed by how loving and caring this community is. Thank you!
DeleteSits down beside you, puts an arm around your shoulder and gives you a warm hug.
ReplyDeleteThanks Christina. Hugs help a lot!
DeleteHugs,
TL
All I can say is, I SO know that feeling! Praying for you and sending you big hugs
ReplyDeleteThanks Kay. I appreciate it.
DeleteHugs,
TL
I am glad that writing your thoughts here is helping in at least some way. We are all her for you TL. We care and are concerned about you.
ReplyDeleteAgain, a lot of good thoughts above. I agree with Willie, crying is not a weakness and we need to purge that emotion. I too am freer with my emotions since TTWD. I also agree with the others about sharing this and the previous post with Bucko.
Sending you love and big virtual (((hugs)))
Roz
Thank you so much Roz. The good thoughts and suggestions have been really fantastic. I'm still shocked by the outpouring of love I have gotten the last few days. It means a lot to me.
DeleteHugs,
TL
I agree, let it go and just cry it out. Sorry you are going through this right now. Sending hugs and prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteThanks Tricia. I'm working on it. The hugs and warm thoughts help.
DeleteHugs,
TL
TL, once again I just want to hug you and cry with you. I have often told my husband to leave, that he deserved better. But I've learned something. When our men love us, when the good men choose to stay... what a blessing. I would tell my husband to go, that he deserved more, all the while not knowing what I would do if he actually left. This one thing I have learned... because he does so much for me, loves me when I really feel he shouldn't, it keeps me coming back to him, to try to be better for him, and to bless his life. I feel that if a woman had it more together, that if she were with my husband, she might not see how great he is from her vantage point of how great she is. But because I know that I lack, I can work on being what he needs. But also, my husband gets to step in and help be my hero. He gets to be there to hold me when I can't hold it together, be there to keep up with things I just can't get to, be there to make my world all better. And if I had it all together, he might not ever get to be my hero. And so in a weird way, the times I fall apart are good for him too. I am praying for you... my heart crying for yours, knowing how much you hurt right now. But I hope you will believe me, that I see in your posts along how great you are, and how much you're worth fighting for, and I only get to see a glimmer of how much your husband gets to see. That's why he stays. You are wonderful, and I love more than I can say that you're being honest. That is the best step towards healing that I ever see in people. {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteThis was a beautiful sentiment and I thank you for sharing it with me. Bucko is definitely my hero and I'm glad you have one too. Thank you so much for writing this. It really helped and meant a lot to me.
DeleteHugs,
TL
I am glad it helped. I really wanted to be able to help, but sometimes we can mean well, and it come out so wrong, so I really prayed it would touch you somehow. I will be praying for you. :) I am so glad he is your hero, we all need one of those.
DeleteIt was great thank you.
DeleteTL,
ReplyDeleteI'm so late in reading...sorry. I hope you are feeling a little bit better. Sending big hugs and some prayers your way.
I'm getting there. Thanks for checking on me.
DeleteTL,
ReplyDeleteOhhh...I understand this post. I am thinking of you and Bucko, knowing you will find your way to the next plateau you are destined to experience.
Elisa XO
Thank you Elisa. I appreciate that. It's a slow process, but I'm working on it.
Delete