I know I probably sent every HOH that reads my blog running for the hills with that title, but that's been my week. This post may appear a little bit rambling in nature. I'll be honest I'm not sure where my head is at the moment. I haven't posted this week, because life has taken hold of me and won't let go. I have been so busy. I have not gotten home before six any night this week. I know that doesn't seem late to most people, but when the school day gets done at 3:00, it seems like I should be home before that.
I am just sort of run down right now, and running around like a crazy woman trying to get everything done for everyone has left me more than a little stressed. My special monthly visitor came this week and she has not helped to improve my mood. In fact, she's made things worse. I think someone laced my Midol with a dose of Vitamin B-itch. I have not been a nice girl this week. Even I know it was bad. The other night I was so out of whack that Bucko and I had a sort of showdown. Long story short I asked for something. He wanted me to say sir. I thought that was stupid and told him so. We ended up staring each other down, until Bucko did what I wanted. I thought at the time it meant I won, but now I'm not so sure.
I am diabetic. I'm fairly new at it, and I'm supposed to be watching what I eat, counting carbs, and losing a little weight according to the doctor. I was doing really well in the beginning, but now it seems I've fallen back into old habits. Bucko is diabetic too and he doesn't seem to think this is a big deal, at least that's how it appears. When I mention my blood sugar he doesn't say much. Of all the rules we have, this set is the one I wish he'd do more to enforce. I really seem to struggle with it. I've mentioned it casually, and I've mentioned it seriously, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. I want to do better with this, but it seems like this is these are the easiest rules to break, and they don't seem to phase Bucko.
Other than a few times in the beginning, I have often felt like Bucko and I were sort of DD honors kids. We came in and things just clicked. Everything has gone along pretty swimmingly for us. This week I don't feel so great about it. Since the showdown I have felt that Bucko and I weren't on the same page. I don't feel submissive at all. Maybe he's being kind, because I've been stressed and haven't felt well, but it hasn't done me any favors. I feel myself sliding back to that bossy controlling girl of yesterday. I've seen him cave. I even heard the phrase, "Do what you want." The other day. I feel distant and angry. I know some of this has to be my monthly visitor talking, but she's gotten inside my head. A part of me wants to talk to Bucko and straighten this mess out, but another part of me, a part I thought had gone away, wants to keep pushing and see how far I can take this. I want him to be the one to say enough is enough. I know if I keep pushing he's only going to get angry. I don't want to make him so upset that he pulls away from DD as it has been so good for our marriage, but I don't know right now how to find my way back to him. I thought I wanted kindness, compassion, and space while I was struggling with all the things life has thrown at me, but really I want my Bucko back. I'd even go for hands on the cart at the moment.
It's about learning to let go and enjoy the ride.
: ) Just say Sir.
ReplyDeleteAs I read somewhere, if you refuse to follow a request or order, you are sending the message you don't want DD any more.
Hugs
Thanks Blue Bird. Sometimes the simple things seem easier said than done. We'll see how it goes today.
DeleteHugs,
TL
advisefrom the worse source cause i struggle too but here goes. Bucko did what you wanted. That statement describes alot. Please don't be mad but who is the Hoh in this relationship. Sometimes in this ttwd we have to remember we are not in charge and doing things we disagree with is a show of how much we are committed to this. Such as saying sir. Or counting swats. In order to be lead we must be willing to follow.
ReplyDeleteI take advise from anyone. We all struggle with this, and I'm not mad at all. It's hard when things don't go the way we want them to. I guess its time for me to do what I tell my students to do when they don't want to do something. "Suck it up, cupcake."
DeleteDon't underestimate those Horror Moans! They will cause trouble whenever they land. Perhaps discuss this fact with Bucko so next month he is better prepared to 'handle' you at this time. I would well imagine sometimes this week he gave you a deer caught in the head lights kind of look.
ReplyDeleteNow *if* you had read my post this week, you might understand more where this comment is coming from..hint, hint. BUT seeing how you were busy PMSing, not eating right and challenging your HoH, I'll leave a little snippet here for you. Sometimes ttwd doesn't go the way we the TiH invision it too. This invisioning is a control thing. You want Bucko to tell you to eat better, I get it but when he doesn't do what YOU think he should, you get angry and start to pull away, or test further. When we challenge, or test, we can chip away at their security of their position of HoH, causing them to withdraw further. Essentially having the reverse affect on what we desire.
As we can only 'control' ourselves, it is up to you to try your best to set things straight. I would say again to talk to Bucko, but your actions are going to speak louder than your words. Find it in yourself to start being submissive again. Find some little thing to get you moving in Bucko's direction. Your submission with feed his dominance. YES I know you want it to be the other way around at the moment~ but the only person's actions you can control are your own...so control them :)
love willie
See you should have read my post, then my answer would have been shorter!!!
First of all, please! You couldn't write a short answer if your life depended on it. Secondly, you are probably right. The horror moans are pretty horrible. Right now I feel like the stubborn child that doesn't want to move. Hopefully I will get there today. I am seeing little bits of my Bucko today which is helping. We'll see how it goes.
DeleteLove and smooches,
TL
LMBO ...so true (<- look short comment! Yay me!)
DeleteLOL. Show off!
DeleteWow, sounds like you've had a rough week. I was going to say you should talk to him, and I still think you should, but after reading Wilma's response maybe you should try that first and then talk to him.
ReplyDeleteAs for the diabetic rule thing I've got no advice as I have a similar situation. I have a different health issue and have commented several times about making a rule about it but he doesn't seem interested for some reason. At first I thought he was just hesitant to add more rules but he's added two in the last week. He gets very upset if I do anything to hurt my health but yet he doesn't seem interested in making a rule for it even though I have suggested it. If you figure a way around it let me know because I'm afraid to push it anymore than I already have lol.
I will let you know if I figure something out. I am trying to take Willie's advice, but it's hard today. Thanks for listening.
DeleteI debated where to put this thought, here or on your next post. I chose here. I think,(from my arm chair psychiatrist seat) that your feelings toward this week and what you feel is Bucko not stepping up the way you wanted/needed, has let the feelings from your next post surface again.
ReplyDeleteThat you are disappointed in your actions of Horror Moans week, and are starting to beat yourself up again. Also you feel let down, so you are afraid to turn to Bucko, or to anyone. That being said you are not completely paralyzed because you did post for Bucko and us to catch a glimpse of you.
See that is really something! You should be proud of yourself. This is progress! You are asking for Bucko's help here and in your next post. Good girl! Good job.
You know you are so worth it! Love ya still, or again...no matter
Verbose willie~ master of unsoliciated advice.
I'm sorry it's not going so well for you at the moment. Hang in there and 'try' to be submissive to him. I know, easier said than done. But it's a lot easier than trying to control or figure out what he is doing. :(
ReplyDeleteCallie
I want him to be the one to say enough is enough. I know if I keep pushing he's only going to get angry. I don't want to make him so upset that he pulls away from DD as it has been so good for our marriage, but I don't know right now how to find my way back to him. I thought I wanted kindness, compassion, and space while I was struggling with all the things life has thrown at me, but really I want my Bucko back. I'd even go for hands on the cart at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI can soooo relate to what you are saying here! I haven't visited in a long time but glad I did. Hope things are going well for you. Someone was reading on my blog and clicked on your link probably from an old post so that's how i found my way here again. Blessings. TL :)