I am Not a Freak and Other Lessons Learned

This post has been a long time in the making.  I wanted to write it last week, but I struggled to find the time or the words.  Even as I sat down yesterday to write, I was at a loss.  Now I think I've figured it out.  I can't promise any of this will make a lot of sense, but here we go.

It occurred to me last week that it was my sixth month blogiversary.  I wanted to talk about what I had learned in the past sixth months and the effect those lessons had on our relationship.  I wanted to get Bucko's perspective on all this and let him tell his side of our story, but honestly life got in the way.  It was a busy week full of mix-ups, injuries, and stress.  That is not a conducive environment for reflection.  It seemed we were so busy and out of sorts that DD fell by the wayside.  How could I write about something, when I wasn't sure where we stood.  All day yesterday I struggled to find the words.  Then while I was lying in bed last night struggling to sleep from the pain I was in, I found my words.  While DD might not feel present in my life everyday it is there, and now I seem to know more about how I feel about it.  These are the things I have learned and struggled with over the past six months.

1. I am not a freak.   This one was probably the hardest thing for me to come to grips with as Bucko and I went through this process.  I have often struggled with my need for independence.  Relying on others made me feel weak and scared.  If I did things on my own there was nothing or no one that could hurt me.  Coming to the realization that not only did I need my husband's strength and guidance, but that I wanted it was no small task.  I felt and admittedly sometimes still feel like there is something wrong with me.  I am a smart, capable woman.  I felt like I shouldn't need this, and the fact that I did made me defective somehow.  I spent a long time feeling guilty for wanting this.  I wondered if it meant I was strange or defective somehow, because I couldn't take care of myself.  Now I realize that I can take care of myself, but I don't have to.  I have a husband who is more than willing to step up to the plate and help me.  This makes me happy, and our relationship better.  Why wouldn't I want that?  There is nothing freakish about doing something that makes you happy.  If it doesn't hurt anybody whatever rocks your boat, right?   

2. I did not set the feminist movement back fifty years.  I don't know about everyone else, but I have always believed that a woman was just as capable as a man and should be treated as his equal.  The very idea of giving up control to my husband was one I struggled with when I first thought of approaching Bucko with DD.  I had visions in my head of a 1950's housewife who had no opinion and got spanked if dinner wasn't on the table when her husband walked in the door.  A gross misconception on my part, obviously, but my thought nonetheless.  I'd earned my right to vote and felt sure I'd set Alice Paul and Elizabeth Cady Stanton rolling in their graves for even considering such an arrangement.  It was quite a while in before it dawned on me.  Feminism has always been about choice.  A woman has the right to choose anything she wants.  This is simply my choice.  I am still my husband's equal. My opinion counts as much in my marriage now as it ever did.  I would even venture to say more now that I'm not demanding, yelling, or arguing to get my way.  I am a free thinking woman doing exactly as I choose to do.  Nothing anti-feminist about it.

3.  I am not alone.   This one is probably one of the coolest things I've learned in the last sixth months.  When I first started DD, especially, I felt very isolated.  For whatever reason, whether it is shame, embarrassment, or the fear of someone sending your husband to jail for wife beating, you suddenly have this great tool in your marriage and no one to talk about it with.  You don't feel like you can tell even your best friend about this new arrangement, because she'd tell you that you were bat-shit crazy for letting your husband beat you and you needed to leave the bastard.  It's even harder when people notice the change and you aren't sure what to say when they ask you what happened.  Just starting out is a lonely place to be.  Enter blogland.  Suddenly there are all these wonderful people who get it.  People who understand.  People you can "My husband spanked me," and they won't call the cops.  People who understand your struggles and offer advise.  I've met an amazing group of people who have helped me understand this journey.  I have been able to (hopefully) offer some advice to help others.  I have a group of people I can talk to.  Sometimes it seems like the people of blogland know me better than any of my "real" friends.  This place has made me feel welcomed and understood.  For that I am forever grateful.

4. He's stronger than I thought.  I spent about a month sitting on DD and not sharing it with Bucko.  I didn't think he would want to do and moreover I didn't think he could.  We've known each other a long time. I thought I knew exactly who Bucko was and what he was capable of.  He'd been giving me my way for years.  He couldn't suddenly change into the man who leads our family.  He couldn't suddenly become a man who spanks his wife.  Well I was right about that.  The change wasn't sudden.  It happened slowly a little at a time.  There were a lot of talks and even a few fights that led to us figuring this out, together.  I spent a long time for lack of a better term, "topping from the bottom."  I told him what I thought he needed to do to be the leader of our home.  I told him how he needed to spank, what for, and when.  Even in doing all that, it still wasn't what I wanted.  Why? Because it wasn't him leading.  It was still me.  Some good advice from some of the HOH's out there told me to shut up and let him do his thing.  I had to trust him to be the man I wanted him to be.  Bucko didn't disappoint.  Was it exactly as I envisioned it in those sexy HOH dreams.  Not always, but sometimes.  I had to realize it was TTWD not This thing I'm telling you how to do.  Nothing ever comes out just like the fantasy.  If you wait for that you are going to spend a lot of time disappointed.  Is it better now?  Absolutely.  Bucko can do this, I just had to be willing to let him.  Which leads me to my final lesson.  At least for now.

5. I'm stronger than I thought.  I struggled a great deal with my desire for TTWD.  I felt like being "submissive" meant being weak.  It meant I couldn't take care of myself.  It meant relying on someone else, which in my experience only got you hurt.  I spent a long time doing everything myself, because it felt safe.  No one could hurt me if I didn't let anyone close enough to do it.  I built walls, hell I built a freaking fortress.  I was mistress of the universe, or so I thought.  

Trusting others was for the weak.  It only left you hurt and disappointed.  I didn't want to be the princess in the tower who waited on the knight in shining armor to rescue her.  But the funny thing was, that's pretty much exactly what I wanted.  I wanted someone to save me from myself.  I had to soften.  I had to be the princess not the dragon guarding the tower.  

Let me be the first to say the first step down from that tower is a nightmare.  It feels like falling from the tower and crashing to the ground, but it's not.  Trusting hasn't made me weak.  The fact that I can still try to trust after everything, shows that I am stronger than I thought.  Being open to the chance of being hurt is a scary thing.  Courage and strength aren't the absence of fear, but deciding that something more important is worth the risk.  

It seems to me that I'm not the dragon, the princess, or the knight.  Maybe strength isn't becoming one or the other, but finding the balance between all three.  I still want to protect myself sometimes.  Perhaps I always will.  Maybe there is nothing wrong with that.  Self preservation isn't a bad thing, but it doesn't have to come at the expense of my own happiness.  

Sometimes I'm willing to let go and let Bucko or even my friends come and rescue me.  Sometimes it's okay to be the damsel in distress.  Sometimes showing vulnerability is a strength.  I don't want to feel like I'm made of glass, but maybe it's okay to crack once in a while.  Bucko isn't going to leave me stuck in my tower, because I'm too much trouble.  He's more than willing to reach out his hand and help me take that first step from my tower.  I just have to be willing to take it.

Which makes me think that maybe sometimes I'm the knight.  I can't honestly believe the knight fears nothing.  He or she is facing a dragon.  It seems to me that since I'm also the dragon, I have to be the one to face my inner demons.  Bucko can't do it for me, but he can do it WITH me.  I have to be the one who is strong enough to say, I don't want to be afraid anymore, or rather I'm not going to allow the fear to run my life.  It's not that I'm not scared.  I am sometimes terrified, but I'm still willing to try.  I'm not going to huddle in a corner scared anymore.  My knees may be shaky, but I'm still willing to stand up and say "no more."  

Knowing that I can do this and that I don't have to do it alone is perhaps the most important lesson I've learned through all this.  I'm not sure how much of what I've written makes sense, but for better or worse here it is.