You Don't Get to Decide What's a Big Deal

That's what Bucko said when I told him I was fine and he was making a big deal out of nothing.  This was a new experience for me and for us a couple.  As much as I've seen and come to expect his new found HOH behavior this statement was rather jarring for me.  

I don't like going to the doctor.  I don't like being sick or hurt.  Let's be honest, what I don't like is feeling vulnerable.  It scares me.  I don't like feeling needy or like burden.

Last year I had an injury that required surgery.  That injury left me unable to walk for almost three months.  I was completely dependent upon Bucko for just about everything.  This injury was pre-DD and caused quite a strain between us.  He was working and having to take care of an injured wife who, in all honesty, was not the best patient.  I was bed-ridden and angry about it.  I hated not being able to do anything for myself.  We fought.  A lot.

Fast forward to last week.  This injury started to bother me again.  It still does on occasion, but last week it was bad.  I went to an urgent care facility to get checked out.  The urgent care doctor suggested that I see my surgeon just to make sure everything was still okay.  He hinted that another surgery may be required.  Oh hello kitty no!  That was not happening again.

I took some pain pills, and did what I usually did to make myself feel better.  It worked.  I felt better.  Bucko still wanted me to see the surgeon.  I argued.  I protested.  I told him he was making a big deal out of nothing.  That's when he told me I don't get to decide what is a big deal out of nothing anymore.  He said I was going to the doctor whether I liked it or not.  Or else.  We can all guess what the or else would have been.

I told him he was being overprotective. He says he was doing his job as HOH.  Maybe we are both right.

At any rate I went to two doctors today.  I had to go to my regular doctor to get a referral to see the surgeon again.  It turned out I was right and I am not going to need an additional surgery, however, I can't help but wonder if that was the real reason I protested going in the first place.  I think really the idea of having to go through another phase of being totally dependent upon Bucko scared me a little.  I hate feeling needy and helpless.  I do think if we had to do that again now, it would be different than it was before.  Things have changed so much since that time.  I'm more willing to be cared for and Bucko is more sure of his need to care for me.  I feel sure it would be better this time, but I'm glad we don't have to do it.