Not So Very Long Ago

I wrote a post about the way I saw the world.  In that post my world was dark, scary, lonely and filled with sadness.  Though I know it wasn't so very long ago, today that place seems very far away.  I'm not so foolish to believe that I won't ever go back to that place, but I'm not so scared of it anymore.  

Today my world feels very different.  Everything feels lighter.  The sky is brighter, the jokes are funnier, and the sad things don't seem so sad anymore.  I will admit I am a weepier person now than I have ever been.  It seems like now I'm in a place where I feel all the emotions I had so long bottled up.  Everything makes me cry these days.  But they don't seem to be sad tears.  They are just tears of release.  Today I can cry without feeling so ashamed.  I'm less worried about feeling or seeming weak and my focus is just feeling what I feel.

I cannot possibly say how much the support of this community has meant to me as I go through this struggle.  I wish I could tell you it was all over and you will never again see sad TL, but I can't promise that.  It wouldn't be honest or realistic.  What I can say is thank you.  It doesn't feel like enough, but it is the best that I can offer.  There is not enough wine or chocolate in the world to express how grateful I am for the way many of you have rallied around me during this time.  You have helped pull me out of that dark pit and allowed me the opportunity to pour my heart out.  As a result of that kindness I'm starting to feel the sunshine again.  Thank you doesn't even begin to feel like enough.

I have to say that I owe so much of this wonderful place to my husband.  He is one of the strongest people I know.  He has been there to hold my hand every step of the way when many men in his shoes would have run in the other direction.  I saw the hurt in his face when I couldn't bear to have him touch me, but what I also saw was patience and love.  He has worked so hard to give me what I need.  He has stepped up and become a leader in our home.  I wasn't always sure he could be that man, but he is that man and much more than I ever expected.  He steps up even when I doubt, and his stepping up has made it easier to trust him.  I still have moments of doubt where I cling to my own trapeze and my safety net, but I'm starting to know he will catch me if I reach for his hand.

I heard this song on the radio today.  Ironically, Bucko is not a Rascal Flatts fan, but this song couldn't be more perfect to express what kind of man he is.  It brought more of those tears of release as I thought about how far we have come.  Again thank you doesn't feel like enough.  I love you, Bucko.